On Thursday, May 31st, President Trump finally hit back at a silent threat that’s been brewing, waiting to strike on an unsuspecting America. I’m not talking about the Islamic State, waiting for its next opportunity to shed blood in the name of their weird doomsday cult. Nor am I talking about the outspoken American rivals Russia, North Korea, or Iran, who have openly defied and even threatened direct military action against the American way of life. Nor am I even talking about the constant threat of Chinese intellectual property theft, where billions of dollars in lost American-business revenue is lost to cheap knock-offs. No, it’s time that we fight back against the real threat to American National Security – those damned Canucks.
And not the hockey team either! No, it’s finally come to light that the Canadians, waiting for over 200 years after they marched on Washington and torched the original White House, are indeed still one of the greatest national security threats that our country has ever faced. We all knew it was coming – their politeness was an obvious façade as to the true nature of our “friendly” neighbors to the North. Between fattening our country with their seductive, sweet-maple sugar to exporting their barbaric national sport to our homefront, it’s clear as Lake Louise that the Canadian menace is preparing to make their move on us, their unsuspecting ally. They thought we’d be a soft target; that by tricking us into maintaining the longest undefended border in the world, they’d be able to waltz in with sabotaged steel and aluminum.
In a miraculous turn of events, President Donald Trump took a clear head and a discerning eye towards the looming threat and, calling on the powers of the ancient Trade Expansion Act of 1962, struck back at the increasingly hostile Canadians. Citing concerns of National Security, he expanded his hard stance against Canadianism by expanding existing tariffs to include the former ally, crippling their metals industry and putting a halt to the Canadian military-industrial complex. Canadian PSYOP and Information Warfare specialists have poured out into the web, spreading anti-American propaganda and citing, “But we’ve been friends for 200 years!” and “…our soldiers who have fought and died together in the mountains of Afghanistan and stood shoulder to shoulder…” Thankfully, the President and the American people haven’t been swayed by the lies, and remain firmly supportive of the bold action taken by the Commander in Chief.
But the threat’s not over just yet. According to some sources, tanks and warplanes already in service have been manufactured using the contaminated metals. War machines that, in their service in the war on terror, helped transport both American AND Canadian troops across Iraq and Afghanistan. Now that they’ve played their hand, and will no longer be hiding among regular US forces, will the maple menace finally activate their splinter cell hidden amongst the metal? How many troops are in danger at this very moment through their proximity to compromised equipment? The only logical step to take further is to dismantle and melt down all potentially contaminated vehicles and aircraft, separating the dirty Canadian steel and aluminum from the good, God-fearing, all-American alloys. It’s only natural that we send all Canadian steel and aluminum straight to Gitmo, where we can extract proper intelligence on the next wave of the Canadian threat: their oil.
Disclaimer: The content in this article is obvious satire and the opinion of the writer and does not necessarily reflect the policies or opinions of US Patriot Tactical. The only thing we should be fighting Canada over is who has to take Justin Bieber for the weekend. The writer also wants to emphasize that he loves Canada, moose are “like one of his favorite animals” and, most importantly, that he’s proud to have served alongside Canadian counterparts and friends in both Afghanistan and other missions across Europe.