Military Branches: A Satirical Guide To Them All

Disclaimer: This is tongue in cheek. If you do not understand this, here is a Hurt Feelings Report you can submit. Please title it, “I am a delicate flower who needs a hug” in the subject line and I will address them in a timely manner.

So you want to serve your country, huh? Well good for you. There’s one problem though; once you’ve made the decision, you’ve got quite a few options and it can be intimidating trying to fend off the multiple blood suckers, I mean recruiters, who want you to join their particular branch. Pay no attention to them as I’m about to drop some knowledge about all major branches. Yes, I’ll even be covering the Coast Guard and I don’t want to hear any whining about that from the veterans in the comments. They’re kind of the military too guys; we should respect them.

Marines:

Do you like to kill things? If so, the Marines are for you. Make no mistake, when you’re in trouble the Marines are the ones who are going to put fire down range without hesitation. You do, however, need to be a little bit stupid. If you’re intelligent, the Marines are not for you. It takes a special kind of someone to watch Full Metal Jacket and say, “Yeah that sounds like fun.” You’ll spend most of your time sharpening your k-bar and making death threats to jihadists because the only thing that excites a Marine more than looking better than the Army, is dealing death to America’s enemies.

Army:

Did your parents kick you out of the house? Did your significant other leave you? Did you drop out of college or have a ton of student loan debt? If so, the Army is where you belong. This is where you go if you aren’t tough enough for the Marines but have a criminal record so the Navy won’t touch you. Much like Marines, Soldiers also enjoy destroying threats to America. The only problem is, the Army gets much less respect because their standard uniform does not blend into anything. You’ll spend most of your time drinking and complaining about how your recruiter fucked you.

BranchesNavy:

Do you like boats and want to fight terrorists but don’t want to get too close? Congratulations, the Navy was created just for you. You’ll need a pair of aviators, which you’ll pull off dramatically and tell civilians you’ll buzz the tower whether the brass wants you to or not. Except at the Top Gun school; they’ll fine you for saying that shit. While the Navy doesn’t get as much respect as our ground forces, they do in fact own the Marine Corps. It’s a known fact that every two sailors has a Marine at their beck and call to clean and wash their dress whites or if the mood calls for it, do a nice little jig. You’ll spend most of your time convincing the women you meet at port that you’re a pilot and preparing to join the National Guard once you leave the Navy.

Air Force:

Are you smart and like the game Flight Simulator? Join the Air Force! Be warned; you’ll need at least a master’s degree from an Ivy League school to get through the recruiting process. The Air Force was created from a department of the Army because pilots and their ground minions needed a place away from the putrid stench of the lower class. Your deployments will be in 5 star hotels and if your leadership even thinks about putting you in hotel that’s one star lower, you’ll get double the monthly pay of the Sergeant Major of the Army. You’ll roll deep with your fellow Airmen because at any moment, some Army puke might beat you up in order to steal your lady hat. You’ll spend most of your time sun bathing after you’ve been part of dropping a giant ass bomb on some idiot ISIS member who decided to take a selfie and give away his location.

Coast Guard:

Did you want to join the Navy but an Aircraft Carrier scares the shit out you? Sign up for the Coast Guard. You’ll be referred to as Coastie because no one will take you seriously; except the drug runners you intercept and kill, taking away that sweet sweet cocaine which is diffidently not for personal use. Being a Coastie involves knowing all the nautical terms the Navy knows but without giant guns to make you feel better about talking like a pirate all day. You’ll spend most of your time explaining to people why you didn’t join the Navy and defending the eastern seaboard from German U-boats.

Disclaimer: The content in this article is the opinion of the writer and does not necessarily reflect the policies or opinions of US Patriot Tactical.

Mark Wasson

Mark spent 7 years in the Minnesota National Guard as a combat medic. When's he's not busy losing friends, he's drinking with his dog. Befriend him on Facebook or follow him on a Twitter that he doesn't use.
Mark Wasson
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3 thoughts on “Military Branches: A Satirical Guide To Them All

  1. Couldn’t have said it better. I was always told you had to be 6 feet tall or over to be a shallow water sailor (Coast Guard). That way if the boat sinks you can walk back to the beach. But what do I know, good work.

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