Bro-Veterans: A Guide

We all know one (or ten). The loudest and most obnoxious veteran; so proud of his service. He makes sure every person he meets knows it, whether it’s relevant or not. The pride a bro-veteran feels for his time in the military is so great, they say that a gaggle of these bros creates a hot spot of contempt and loathing for “dirty civi’s” so great that it is visible from space. The following is a handy guide for what to do when a wild bro-veteran approaches you in the open. Always remember, the first thing you have to do is remain calm and keep your military bearing (because they may not).

Identification

How do you determine a bro-veteran from a regular run of the mill vet? The most obvious is by the way they dress. Often sporting a multi-cam or olive drab ball cap with Velcro flag, the bro-veteran can also be found typically wearing Grunt Style or MMA shirts and 5.11 pants (in khaki no less) They also tend to wear old combat boots whether they are appropriate for the situation or not.

If you still aren’t sure, spend all of about 1 minute talking to them, and your mind will certainly be made up as to whether or not they are, in fact, a Bro-Veteran. If you ask him how his day is going and he responds with “Operator AF!” you have a bro-Veteran on your hands. If while talking about the weather, he comments on how a shower of blood would help the grass grow green then, you guessed it; it’s a bro-veteran. Now that you have confirmed the identity of the bro-veteran, it’s time to secure him.

Avoiding Conflict

Whether the Bro-Veteran is at your home, your family reunion (somehow) or your place of business the process for separating the bro-vet from the pack is fairly straightforward. The first thing you must do is distract the veteran. The easiest way to do so is to stand approximately four feet from them (keeping at least two people in between you and the vet at all times lest an errant knife hand catches you on the chin) and say two words, “Hillary Clinton.” There is no combination of words (except perhaps “Combat Action Badge” if they are an Infantryman) that is more guaranteed to rile up a Bro-veteran. Why you may be asking, would I want to rile up the bro-vet? To answer this question, it is important to understand the means of energy consumption of a bro.

Bro-Veterans diets consist entirely of rip-it energy drinks, Dip and old MRE’s. The offset to this is the energy provided is quite quickly burnt through. By the time the Bro-Veteran’s rant that you have just inadvertently started is winding down, and he is left mumbling “lock her up” over and over while catatonically staring at your Wife’s/Girlfriend’s/Cousin’s backside, you can calmly lead them to a secluded area with promises of Chili Mac main entrees and Clint Eastwood war movies.

While not all Bro-Veterans are the same, this handy guide should help you deal with them in most situations. Just remember, while the bro-vet is the most raucous and confrontational of all the veteran species; he is often the most misunderstand and easily placated. Stick to this handy guide, and you will soon be handling the bro-veteran with ease.

Disclaimer: The content in this article is the opinion of the writer and does not necessarily reflect the policies or opinions of US Patriot Tactical.

Matthew Bartley

Matthew Bartley served 3 1/2 years as an Army Infantryman and deployed to Iraq earning a Combat Infantryman’s Badge for his troubles. He now divides his time between family, his work, his writing and too many hobbies for one man to handle.

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